Sayings that I found funny!!!

Some people are like the slinky toy.
They have no apparent use, yet they
can bring a smile to your face when
you push them down the stairs.

Give a person a fish and
you feed them for a day;
teach a person to use the Internet
and they won't bother you for weeks.

lib·er·al : Someone so open-minded that their brains fell out.

Illegitimi non Carborundum
"Don't let the bastards grind you down"

If you think there is good in everybody
then you have not met everybody.

Carpe Crakem
"Seize the Crackhead"

I plan to live forever! So far, so good.

With sufficient thrust,
Pigs fly just fine.

Heroes aren't born, they're cornered.

Water Or Coke???

Water or Coke?

Water Or Coke ???
Which one is the 'Real Thing' ???

We all know that water is important but you've never seen it written down like this before.

WATER
1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. (Likely applies to half world population.)

2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.

3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.

4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University of Washington study.

5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.

6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.

7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page.

8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50%less likely to develop bladder cancer. Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day?

COKE
1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.

2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.

3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.

4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.

6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.

7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.

8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION:
1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about four days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis.

2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous Material place cards reserved for highly corrosive materials.

3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!

Now the question is, would YOU like a glass of water or Coke

(and I know that the Coke stuff is mostly myth Go To Snopes And Have A Look Yourself, And stop giving me grief about it! It's a JOKE......! I also know that the water facts are pretty much true, so please drink more water than Coke)

Crap About Sex

Research shows that 25% of men and 17% of women planned their first sexual encounter.

The walrus has the largest penis of any land animal, measuring 24.5 inches when erect.

Orgies were originally religious events, being offerings to the gods.

"Not Able to Fornicate" was the name of a 19th-century northwestern American Indian chief.

The words "naked" and "nude" are not the same thing. Naked implies unprotected. Nude means unclothed.

Over the same period of time, women who read romance novels tend to have twice as many lovers as those who don't.

According to the Kinsey Institute, masturbation is more common among white-collar workers than blue-collar workers.

Women with a Ph.D. are twice as likely to be interested in a one-night stand than those with only a bachelor's degree.

Dishabiliophobia is the fear of undressing in front of someone.

On average, 20% of women who live with their boyfriends have another sex partner.

The two leading causes of temporary impotence are prolonged cigarette smoking and tight pants.

Acrotomophilia occurs when you have a sexual attraction to amputees.

According to the Kama Sutra, a mixture of camel's milk and honey will keep a man erect night and day.

According to Penthouse magazine, more women complain about infrequent sex than men do.

The frequency with which a woman has orgasms during her sleep actually increases as she ages during her childbearing years.

Forty percent of women have said they had an orgasm while dreaming about sex. That number is 80% for men.

According to a Kinsey survey, 75% of men ejaculate within three minutes pf penetration.

The typical lovemaking session averages 15 minutes in length.

Males under the age of forty are typically able to achieve an erection in less than ten seconds.

Three out of a thousand men (0.3%) are well endowed enough to fellate (blow) themselves to orgasm.

The French tickler was invented by a Tibetan monk.

Rabbits have been the emblem of fertility because of its well-known talents for multiplying.

Timmie Jean Lindsey of Houston, TX became the first person to get silicone breast implants in 1962.

A typical orgasm lasts from three to ten seconds, with contractions occurring every 0.8 seconds for both men and women.

The Kama Sutra details techniques on ten types of kisses, 64 different caresses, eight variations on oral sex, and 84 positions for intercourse.

Medomalacuphobia is the fear of losing an erection.

There are five calories in a teaspoon of semen.

According to Playboy, more women talk dirty during sex than men.

Somebody actually timed a rattlesnake mating session that lasted 22.75 hours.

According to recent surveys, the man is the most likely partner to be tied up during sex.

Among primates, man has the largest and thickest penis.

A study of pet owners found that 66% claimed they allowed their pets to remain in the bedroom during intercourse.

The average bra is designed to last for only 180 days of use.

The most recorded orgasms in an hour by researchers at the Center for Marital and Sexual Studies in Long Beach, CA, was 134 by one female and sixteen for a male.

A small flaccid penis generally has a greater percentage increase during erection than a larger flaccid penis.

According to Playboy, the most popular sexual aid is erotic literature.

Besides the genitals and the breasts, the inner nose is the only other body part that routinely swells during intercourse.

Women who are housewives are, as a whole, more faithful than working women.

According to a recent survey, more Americans lose their virginity in June than any other month.

Women say that the part of a man's body that they admire the most is his buttocks.

Studies have shown that men become sexually aroused nearly every time they dream.

Studies show that, for some unknown reason, the higher the level of education, the more men tend to have wet dreams.

Menstrual cramps have been known, in rare cases, to induce orgasms.

A "buckle bunny" is a woman who goes to rodeos with the express intent of having sex with a rodeo cowboy.

Women who went to college are more likely than high school dropouts to enjoy both the giving and receiving of oral sex.

Semen contains small amounts of more than thirty elements, including fructose, ascorbic acid, cholesterol, creatine, citric acid, lactic acid, nitrogen, vitamin B12, and various salts and enzymes.

Studies have proven that it's harder to tell a convincing lie to someone you find sexually attractive.

The name of Wyoming's Grand Teton peak literally means "big tit."

According to statistics, Australian women are the most likely to have sex on the first date.

The same chemical responsible for the ecstatic highs of love and sexual attraction, phenylethylamine, is also found in chocolate.

The male fetus is capable of attaining an erection during the last trimester.

Exhibitionists are most likely to be married men.

The usual result of ingesting Spanish Fly is vomiting.

The Kama Sutra was written by Mallanga Vatsyayana, who was rumored to be celibate.

Compulsive or pathological sexual behavior have a 12-step program available to them through SLAA, the Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.

A survey conducted by Masters and Johnson in the early 1980s revealed that the third-most frequent fantasy amongst both homosexual men and women was a heterosexual encounter.

Sperm banks keep their donor semen at approximately -321 degrees Fahrenheit. At that temperature, it could be kept indefinitely.

Among transsexuals who choose sex-change operations, females who elect to become males are reportedly happier and better adjusted after the procedures than males who elect to become female.

The most successful X-rated movie of all time is Deep Throat. It cost less than $50,000 to make it and has earned more than $100 million.

While nudity was considered commonplace to the ancient Greeks, a man was considered indecent if he had an exposed erection.

Believe it or not, there's actually a word for the fear of seeing, thinking about, or having an erect penis. It's called ithyphallophobia.

Homosexuality remained on the American Psychiatric Association's list of mental illnesses until 1973.

Oculolinctus is a fetish whereby people are sexually aroused by licking a partner's eyeball. A word of caution if you want to try this: oral herpes can be transferred to the eye.

At age seventy, 73% of men are still potent.

The first "official" vasectomy was performed in 1893.

The smallest erect penis on record was one centimeter long.

Oneirogmophobia is the fear of wet dreams.

The Roman emperor Nero used to dress up young boys in his dead wife's clothes and make love to them.

According to the Kinsey Institute, half of the men raised on farms have had a sexual encounter with an animal.

An agalmatophiliac is someone who has a fetish for statues or mannequins. These people tend to have an uncontrollable desire to masturbate whenever they see a nude mannequin.

It takes a sperm one hour to swim seven inches.

A man's testicles increase in size by 50% when he is aroused.

Women who respond to sex surveys in magazines have had five times as many lovers as non-respondents.

Black women are 50% more likely than white women to have an orgasm when they have sex.

Micropenis is a rare disorder where the afflicted suffers from an unusually small penis, roughly .75 to one inch long...and that's erect.

An unobstructed penis is capable of shooting semen anywhere from 12 to 24 inches.

One of the reasons male deer rub their antlers on a tree or the ground is to masturbate.

In 1995, Mo Ka Wang, a Chi Kung master in Hong Kong, lifted over 250 pounds of weight two feet off the floor with his erect penis.

It's been said that Adolph Hitler was a coprophiliac, which means he had a fetish for women's feces. He also had a thing for being urinated on by women.

It's been estimated that the practice of autoerotic asphyxiation (temporarily suffocating yourself while masturbating) takes the lives of 250 to a thousand people each year. I guess going blind is the least of your worries.

It's been estimated that one out of every two hundred women is born with an extra nipple.

The initial spurt of ejaculate travels at 28 miles per hour. By way of comparison, the world record for the 100 yard dash is 27.1 miles per hour.

In earlier times, virginity on one's wedding night was of the greatest importance. To prove that the bride was a virgin, it was customary that the couple would display the bloodstained bedsheet for all to see once the wedding was consummated.

The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by the Egyptians in 2000 B.C. It was replaced with elephant droppings when they realized it wouldn't work.

The left testicle usually hangs lower than the right for right-handed men. The opposite is true for lefties.